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Over the past weeks, I have been catching up with clients.

Reflecting on these conversations one thing has struck me. Most of them are incredibly busy… and frustrated. When I poke a bit at that busyness it turns out that there is a common denominator. Somehow most of them have got trapped on the dance floor.

By that I mean, they are working on stuff that rightly should be done by someone on their team. That’s how it used to be but after all the confinements, shutdowns and staff shortages, they have drifted into sacrificing their own time for subordinate imposed time.

Let me explain.

Most managers operate within three main categories of time.

Boss-imposed time – used to accomplish tasks imposed by the boss and that can not be ignored without serious negative consequences.

System imposed time, meetings, request for support from fellow managers etc. Also, stuff that can not be ignored without getting into trouble.

Self-imposed time – is the time that the manager gets to work on ‘own’ projects, but a portion of that time will be taken by subordinate-imposed time. So when we deduct the subordinate imposed time from the self-imposed time it leaves us with the manager’s discretionary time.

Often this discretionary time is negative in the sense that it overshoots the number of hours available in what we would define as a reasonable workday or workweek. The manager is then faced with the choice of working unreasonably long hours or not working on their projects. An impossible choice. Hence the frustration.

This was all described brilliantly in a 1999 HBR article called, ‘Who’s got the monkey?’

Seems it’s still relevant.

Because of the ‘situation’ over the past many months, the manager has got into the habit of taking over the monkeys that subordinates are struggling with. This happens in more or less subtle ways.

“Boss, how are we going to cope with x now that y is no longer available to us?” “Hmm, I don’t really know yet, leave it with me and I will think about it.”

“Boss, I am missing two key people on my team, and I still have not sent that activity report for HQ – I just don’t know how to cope at the moment.” The manager thinks… don’t want to lose this lady as well, then responds. “Don’t worry leave it here with me I will sort it out later today.”

And so it goes on and on throughout the day.

In the process, subordinates have learnt that the best way to ease their workload and get home in a reasonable time is to drop by the manager and see if he will take over a monkey or two. It has become the new way of doing things.

It’s a swamp that will suck even the best manager under if not attended to.

But even worse, subordinates are learning to be helpless, it may be easier, but in the long run it is not very stimulating.

It’s time get off the dance floor and onto the balcony.

The first step is to be much more aware of what monkeys are truly yours and what monkeys are not yours. Subordinates who bring problem monkeys to you, need coaching, maybe direct advice, but when they leave your office they take their monkey with them.

It’s their monkey and they need to feed it.

What is more important?

Neither – its a polarity – they need to be balanced and present

Lots of managers have fantastic hard skills – often that is what got them the job in the first place.

But if there is a lack of soft skills

• they lose people – lots of people.

“a toxic culture is the biggest factor pushing employees out the door during the Great Resignation” -Sloan Review

Previously we accepted high turnovers. We shrugged it off – ‘that’s the industry’ we said to each other.

It was easy to find replacements.

That is no longer the case

In the future, we will need a better balance

The courage to act

I promise you

It’s not more planning, bigger goals or even new KPI’s that is going to get you through the coming year.

You will need one thing and one thing only.

Courage

The courage to act

The biggest threat you face at the moment is to get bogged down in passivity while you are waiting for things to get better.

Things are not going to get better or worse for that matter.

‘Things’ are what they are

Uncertain, unpredictable, and continuously evolving. 

This Corona thing is just an accelerator for so much that has been percolating for a while.

On a high level, what is happening is that we are transitioning from a period where things were complicated to a situation where things are beyond complicated – they have become complex. 

In a complex world, there are no known answers – no experts to turn to. Situations are unfolding and developing constantly. There is no longer agreement on how things work or what will happen when we do x y or z.

To navigate this uncertainty, we need to experiment. To test things out. 

That way, if we are smart, we can learn and adapt.

The crucial part is the do part – without the doing, we will lack vital information.

But taking action in the face of uncertainty requires courage.

• Courage to accept a lot of failures
• Courage to be critiqued for trying and missing
• Courage to get up and try again

So you just need to find the courage.

I think I can help you with that.

For years I have operated a coaching system that I call Micro Coaching – it is basically an adaptation of a basic action learning concept.

It works like this

Every Friday morning, you receive an e-mail from me with the following questions:

• What was your focus this past week?
• What did you do?
• What did you learn?
• What will you focus on next week?

You answer the questions and return them to me before the end of the weekend. Monday – latest Tuesday I will send you my reflections, thoughts and feedback.

We continue the same process every week.

You will be surprised at how much it helps you stay on track. But most importantly, it will help you find the courage to act – and that is your secret weapon for 2021.

Click the link here, and it will take you to the page I created to describe the concept in more detail.

The courage to act

All the best

Mike

What does a John Le Carré book, the TV series ‘Friends’ and the movie ‘The Lion King’ have in common? What is the common denominator?They’re all created, using a drama triangle. A drama triangle is a key to create a captivating story, a story that stirs people’s emotions and gets you hooked on the plot. Drama triangles are the reason you binge watch Netflix series. Drama triangles, however, never produce any tangible results. That is why when used skilfully and you continue watching the same series season after season. They hook you.

Every time we go ‘below the line’ with our feeling of being right, we also automatically start a drama triangle.

Exploring what it takes to become a great team leader by avoiding the drama

This is the fourth blog post in my series around leadership skills and how we become great team leaders by focusing on followership .

We are using a simple but powerful model that I call above the line and below the line. You may need to go back to this post in the series in order to get the full explanation. Briefly, above the line, we are constructive, we are positive, we are cooperative, we are open to solutions. Below the line we are closed, defensive and not very cooperative.Obviously, below the line we don’t create a lot of followership.

What most of us don’t realise is that we drop below the line and start a drama triangle much more often that we are aware of.

Here is the video version:

And – as a new service to you my reader here is the sound track in case you prefer that version

The principle of the drama triangle

If you take a course in how to write a screenplay for Hollywood, they will introduce you to the concept of the drama triangle. It is the template that nearly everyone uses in order to create a captivating story. It works like this: In order for us to have a captivating story, we need a victim. Somebody who gets hurt, persecuted cheated, whatever.

And in order to produce a victim, we need a villain. Somebody who does something bad to the victim. And then to save the day, we need a hero who will come to the rescue of our victim.

With these three elements we have the basics of a good story. The series ‘House of Cards’ is a great example. It is easy to identify the three roles of Victim, Villain and Hero. Or is it? Because when the drama triangle is used well, the roles shift. Suddenly the hero is the villain; the victim the hero and then it shifts again, the victim is now the villain etc. It’s very, very powerful. The beauty of the dram triangle is that there is never a solution. It just goes round and round creating endless waves of hot emotions. That is what keeps you glued to the screen episoden after episode, season after season.

When you go below the line you start a new drama

When you let your mindset drop below the line, often triggered by your feeling of being right, you automatically start off a drama triangle because you will pick one of the three roles for yourself.

You will choose to see yourself as the victim: Why does nobody understand me? Or you take the villain role: These people are stupid they need to understand that I am right. Or you may choose to be the hero: I am going to save these people from their ignorance. One role is not better that the other they are all toxic in each their way. But that is only part of the story. When you initiate a drama triangle you trigger the people around you to take one of the other roles. It’s a game or a dance if you like and we all know instinctively how to play this game.

And in our blissful state of autopilot switched to ‘survival’ we just click in and take our role whenever someone invites us to have a game of drama triangle.

You come home from work. And yell at the kids for again leaving their bikes in the driveway. You are the villain, they are the victims. Your wife, the hero, jumps in and defends them. Then she switches gear and ask you why you are late again for dinner and gives you an ear full. You favourite daughter throws her armes around you and declares that it is so lovely to have you home… and so it goes round and round. If nobody stops the game it will just continues every evening until the relationship is totally toxic.

Some team leaders are chronic drama queens

Bad team leaders operating below the line also play this game, endlessly. They persecute a team member for doing something wrong (Villain). They complain to the team that ‘upstairs’ has again put pressure on them to get better results or that this week they will be putting in more hours than anyone else (Victim)*, or they take over a task from a team member to do the task themselves (hero) instead of teaching the team members how to do it. And if the team members are not aware of what is going on they just play along – they know how it goes, it’s a well known game and it repeat itself every day. No results. No improved outcomes, lots of frustration and produce no genuine engagement.

When a team leader operates from the below the line in this way the rest of the team is dragged below the line – and so are the customers they are supposed to service with constructive solutions. The negativity spreads.

(*A favourite victim role with team leaders, is to play ‘look how overworked or busy I am…’. It’s also called ‘poor little me’. It a great game judging by how many people choose to play along.)

How not to get sucked into the drama triangle

There is only one way out of the toxic drama triangle and that is to stop the game. It can be done by asking the magic question from previous blog post.

I wonder…

• how we could find a solution?
• if you could help me learn how to do it right?
• what would you suggest we do about that?

The last one is my favourite. It is a real drama triangle game spoiler. With that question you reclaim the high ground above the line and you invite others to join you and stop the game playing.

How much drama can you spot around you?

As your task for the week I invite you to notice how many drama triangles you can identify happening around you, in your team, at home or just watching your favourite soap series. Notice also how clients play drama triangles with us as well. They attack us, they play victim, they play heroes, they do the same thing. They try to draw us into a drama. And the only way again is to ask the key questions for us to break out of the drama and decline the invitation to be part of the drama triangle dance or game.

Next week I will go a bit deeper into more variants of the drama triangle roles and how easily we get trapped below the line in the toxic patterns of communication – some of them are quite subtle and tricky to spot.